Saturday, June 14, 2008
This Ineffable Feeling
This morning, I woke up at 5.30, and I lay in bed listening to my cousins' family get ready to go on their Great Ocean Road trip. With eyes closed, I heard the floorboards creaking, the voices, the doors swing open and shut. And I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. Yesterday's discussion just kept sticking in my head. I think I managed to doze off for a bit, because I managed to sleep til, well, now, haha. But I feel this overwhelming urge, this ineffable, indescribable feeling well up inside me that I feel God wants me to blog about. It's times like these I can see how God works through people. I mean, hello? I just woke up and washed up, and my room's still a mess, I have an article to type out, my stomach's hollow with hunger and I'm still in that post-sleep daze zone. And here I am, a bit sad, a bit glad, and very bewildered. But here goes.
***Start of serious rant***
One of my favourite verses in the Bible is by far this one:
"Faith, hope and love...the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13
It's printed on a bookmark sitting beside me right now. And I think back to my ku ku, who gave this to me before I left for Trinity (oh shit damn I'm crying now argh) and all I see in that bookmark is LOVE. The way she used to piggyback me home from preschool, even though she was about, what, 50+ already? Because I was (and am) such a spoilt brat? The way she hugs me and is all squishy, and always tries to chat with me in English, even though she's more comfortable speaking in Cantonese and Chinese? The way she stayed over and cooked us delicious lunches and made our kitchen such a lively place when my mum was in the hospital? The way she would pat my arm with her wrinkled, work-worn hands and tell me to be good and not make my mum angry? The way she would smile at me over the rims of her huge glasses, as if we were sharing an inside joke?
I'm not saying my mum didn't do all this, I guess it's just because my mum was working during my childhood years and couldn't spend as much time with me. But I love the both of them just as much.
What I'm trying to say here is, well, every time I look at the bookmark she gave me. I mean, gee, bookmarks are such simple, humble objects. People disregard them all the time when they walk into gift shops, and yet each and every time, it faithfully marks out the page in the book we've stopped at, without a complaint (even though sometimes we'd just go, OMG bookmarks are useless, why do people even give them nowadays). It's silently THERE. All the time. Ready for whenever we need it again, at some unpredictable time in the future. Never holding a grudge, never judging, but ever faithful and constant and present. And that, for me, is what God's love is. All encased in a simple, unassuming bookmark.
And in my ku ku's bookmark, all I see is LOVE. God's love comes in so many forms I am amazed all the time. Sometimes I don't even realise it's love until much later. (Like how I used to think that me getting a piggyback ride home is, of course, one of my innate, inalienable human right XD)
I look at all the love around me, and I am again reminded of the real reason I accepted Christ.
See, being brought up in a Christian family, I was exposed to Jesus and his teachings at, well, when I was aged 0, lol. I still remember the time I first accepted Christ into my heart. It was when I was maybe...8? I'm not sure, memory fails me (as always, ugh -__-). At that time, the reason I accepted Christ into my heart was crystal clear: the Sunday School lady had said to us just before that, whoever raised their hands to accept Christ would receive a goody bag, and I wanted that goody bag, LOL. I didn't get goody bags very often, and at the time, I thought, if all I needed to do to get that goody bag was to sit with someone and pray, then why not? So yeah. :) That my friends, was the first time I accepted Christ into my heart. For utterly selfish reasons.
Only when I was about 13 that I fully understood the ramifications of that gesture. God touched me at Youth Camp that year, and I cried and cried and cried, and I couldn't stop. So what if accepting Christ means I will go to heaven? I felt (and still feel) so undeserving, as a sinner, of his all-encompassing LOVE. Only at 13 did I finally realise why I became a Christian, it took me, lol, 5 years? HAHA. Before that, all Christianity ever meant to me was, well, going to church and chatting it up with bosom buddies and church pals, and having lame discussions about Bible stories because we'd all heard about them already in Sunday School, when we were kids.
I am an undeserving wretch of a sinner, and still God loves me. We are all selfish beings with major faults and God loves ALL of us. His love is BOUNDLESS, ALL-ENCOMPASSING, INDISCRIMINATE, CONDITIONLESS and CONSTANT. And yet, I am speechless when confronted with Christians who are elitist, who think they deserve more than anyone else JUST because they've accepted Christ.
***End of nostalgic reminisce, start of rant against elitist mentality***
(This rant is directed more to Christians than any other audience, and is merely my humble opinion. If it offends anyone I am truly sorry, and you can tag me about it, and we can start a lively discussion ^^)
HELLO PEOPLE. We are ALL sinners. Just because we've come to know the love of God doesn't make us any better than anyone else. Just because we've managed to stumble upon God's love (by His grace, not through any talents of our own, mind you) doesn't make anyone else more inferior. Deep down we are all still sinners. Sinners, ok? We are all still human beings capable of mistakes, and crimes, and all that bad stuff. And BECAUSE we are all still unmistakeably human and prone to selfish decisions, bad stuff will nevertheless happen to us.
I cannot fathom why certain Christians feel they deserve better than non-Christians. We've been saved, BUT only by God's grace! Everything good that has happened to us, we are living off MERCY. Should we not then be MORE HUMBLE THAN MOST? Jesus came down to us from heaven NOT TO BE SERVED, BUT TO SERVE.
TO SERVE!!! (I cannot emphasise this more. Italics is simply too insufficient a tool to express this emphasis. Sigh. The emotional magnitude is lost to the inadequacies of the written word.)
If we aspire to be more like Christ, then as Christians we are SERVANTS, we are not kings, queens or royalty who deserve better than the dogs under the banquet table. Through God's love, what we really should do is live to serve others, not serve ourselves, or our selfish, worldly needs. I, as a Christian, am humbled by God's love and by its sheer magnitude. I am undeserving, and yet His love is such that it encompasses all in its generosity. And I was humbled, really humbled, and that was why I cried so much the day in June of the year I turned 13. His Love just HIT me full on in the face, like a slap and a wake up call at the same time, and I truly fathomed what a pathetic creature I was (and still am, arguably).
***So there, my rant against the elitist mentality is finished. Here comes my rant against the whine-OMG-why-is-God-not-helping-me-its-all-his-fault.***
*deep breath, plunge into deep end, hold breath and swim for all I am worth*
Yes. It is true. God will help us. His Love ensures that it will, because. (See? This is one question we can answer with just the one word "because". Why does God love us? Because. XD Going off on a tangent, if only we could do this in exams, especially with essay questions. Why did the Chinese Communist Party abandon Maoist policies after the Cultural Revolution? BECAUSE. Muhahaha.)
But sometimes what we often forget is this: God WILL help us, BUT also only if we help ourselves! We can't just go, "God, I leave my exams all onto you, I'm not going to study and you'll help me ace them, just cuz I'm Christian". In other words, we can't expect God to go down to the nearest Coles and complete the grocery shopping while we sit at home in front of the TV munching potato chips, kicking back and relaxing. Instead, it should be US taking the time to walk/tram/drive down to the nearest Coles, (pay a parkng ticket if necessary) commandeer a shopping trolley, brave the aisles and humbly request if He could, by His grace, maybe guide us to foods that are not dodgy. (ie. dumplings without any cardboard filling)
If He doesn't, well let's face it people, we already deserve the cardboard dumplings. In fact, we don't even deserve the cardboard, us being such vile, loathsome creatures. If He does, then He'll probably have worked in and through us and made us pick up the packaging and read the labels before purchase.
I don't know if my analogy is getting through. -___-;; The point is (I reiterate in case it remains unclear) God will help us, BUT only if we help ourselves. In other words, only if we take action can God work through us and aid us. We are His TOOLS. He is the potter and we are the clay. He is the cook and we are the cooking utensils. Capeesh? Don't expect God to help us merely because of the fact that we are Christians. It just doesn't work like that(IMO).
Instead of blaming God for what is or is not happening, perhaps we should be looking to ourselves instead. Blaming someone else for our own deficiencies and mistakes is not the way to go (duh). It is by no means God's fault that we go through the trials and tribulations we have in life. Rather, I'd like to think that the reasons we go through hardships is 1) because of our own selfish humanity, as we are imperfect but God is perfect and blameless, 2) to help us grow in our faith, and learn to take refuge in him and have hope when all seems to be lost.
***End of rant against the whine-why-isnt-God-helping-me-I-hate-Him, start of rant against the constant-harassment-of-non-Christians-by-Christians***
I love all my friends. I feel truly grateful that they haven't already left me in disgust. XD I respect their beliefs because I respect them as people who have grown up with their own values, with their own situations and with their own experiences. That is why I don't believe in imposing Christianity on them by constantly reminding them that I am Christian or constantly reminding them that they are not Christian. This attitude has the added nuance of being very elitist. Kind of like saying "I'm a Christian, why aren't you one yet, you fool?" If I were on the receiving end, I'd feel really really offended.
Being a Christian and being confident and loud and proud about it, there's no problem with that. It's only when one crosses the line into thinking that everyone else who is non-Christian is inferior and are pathetic creatures to be guided into the Light that it becomes a problem. Just like my parents can't get me to do something by constant nagging, Christians aren't going to achieve anything by constantly harassing non-Christians. What happened to God's love, and channeling God's love by understanding others and putting ourselves in others' shoes? What happened to loving other people for who they are without pushing them too far, or making value judgments about them?
Is making your opinion known more important than caring for your friends' feelings? That, surely, is not what God's love is. God's love is unconditional, and our love should be likewise. So what if our friends are non-Christians? Christians make themselves out to be this elitist, privileged group of people who pity everyone else not in their circle, and as a Christian I am very aware of this flaw. Sure, we want others to experience God's love too, but they DO! They simply encounter it in a different way than we do! Constantly telling them that they should adopt Christ will only arouse negative feelings if we don't put ourselves in their shoes.
If someone tells you they're not interested in Christianity, let it go! It's not their time, and it's not our place to impose our beliefs on others if they don't want it. Time works in miraculous ways, and God works through time. God's time is not our time, and who are we to be impatient? By all means we should constantly pray for our friends and their well-being, BUT this should not be because we want them to convert, BUT BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM. We pray for them because we love them and want to share our joy with them, we don't pray for them because we pity them and want them to adopt Christianity. (It's like how we tell someone about a good Chinese restaurant because we want them to try out the awesome food there, not because we want them to become Chinese.)
In other words, because we have experienced the joy of God's love, we want to SHARE it, not IMPOSE it. Constant harassment and untimely reminders will only serve to alienate the friends we have and love. I think the best way we can be a Light for Christ is by being an exemplary friend, by channelling God's love in our every action towards them. Thus, while keeping quiet about our Christianity, we can still bless others. We want to be defined as Christians through our actions. People should identify us as Christians not by our loud proclamations, but by our silent behaviour. In no way should we intimidate people by wielding our faith like a sword and making people feel guilty just because they are not Christian.
We are all equal in God's eyes. No one person more deserving of His love than another.
***End of Serious Rant as such***
P.H.E.W.
I feel as though this burden has suddenly lifted off of my shoulders. Like I've been carrying this boulder since this morning and only now have I put it down.
It feels GREAT! I feel re-energised (but STILL hungry, darn it). And I've consciously stopped myself from swearing "damn" and "OMYGOD" but I'll probably start up again due to ingrained habit, even more proof that I am unworthy. :P
Here I stand an unworthy servant, in fact a servant of a servant, and all that I can ever hope for is to channel God's love through my every thought, action and attitude. Love is truly what makes the world go round. If everyone could just pause, take a breath, and start loving everyone else unconditionally, we'd have just created our own heaven, no? ^^ No one love is better than another, because love in all its forms is still love. A rose by any other name [is still a rose]. Hope in all its forms is still hope. Faith in all its forms is still faith. And in my opinion, with all due respect, we would all do well to remember this. :)
Oh man, I'm so hungry now. I'm gonna go down and make myself a toasted ham and cheese sandwich. HAHAHA. I haven't blogged about it yet right? My aunt bought this new sandwich toaster thingy, you know the professional deli ones that close over the bread and toasts it? Yeah. HAHA. And there's so much COON cheese in the fridge right now. -___- And because some of it has been in the fridge for AGES, some of it's been frozen into chunks, so I have to hit the whole bag against the marble table tops. HAHA, this is called working for my meal. My daily gym exercise: hitting frozen cheese on table tops. How utterly fascinating.
***Prince Caspian Spoiler Alert***
OH! And me and Jess watched Narnia yesterday! XDDD Ok, Prince Caspian IS hot, but he was such a wimp in the movie (except for the part where he saved Susan) that well, haha. Peter is HOTTER. It's just too bad Peter and Susan won't be coming back to Narnia again! NOOOOO! I want them all to be together! ARGH! WHYYYYYY???
But yeah, I think the movie is great! 4/5. :) And it's good to see Edmund having grown up and getting Peter out of foolish mistakes. He and his torch, HAHA. Cute. And how adorable were those sword-wielding mice??? I WANT ONE FOR MYSELF!!! *throws tantrum* The lead mouse had a feather on his head, it was SO KAWAII!!! *girly squeal* And at the end, when his friends all volunteered to cut off their tails for his sake, that was just so touching! And hilarious, cuz they carried him to Aslan with weird music, like a funeral procession, lol! Priceless. Honestly, there are some really ingeniously funny moments in the movie that were absent from the first Narnia movie, which I think is really refreshing. :)
***End of Spoilers***
More importantly, EXAMS ARE OVER OH MY FRICKIN GOSH!!! That tight little knot of stress in my tummy is FINALLY TOTALLY ERADICATED! I can eat properly again! ^^ And I can DO WHATEVER I WANT without feeling GUILTY about NOT doing work! XD
But let's stop here and have a moment of silence for those of us still bravely forging on through exams. Salute their courage and wish them well, for their arduous voyage is about to end! And then we can all partayyyyy!!! MUHAHAHAHAHA *evil laughter echoing again and again and again* I was totally high yesterday. Even higher than a Jess-on-a-Friday Night. XD Now if only my deformed right hand (having been strained from doing all that messy writing) will right itself, everything will be right. ;P
I'll probably come back and post some more crappy stuff, but for now, my stomach calls, and I must take heed.
Tally-ho, fellow musketeers! Til next we meet @ the next post! XDDD
...is what I said. Savvy?
11:40 am
friends
June 2006