Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Let Earth Receive Her King
Lol. I'm still sticking to my title trend. :)
So, as forewarned, this post contains my reflections. If you're looking for lighter entertainment, scroll down to the other two entries below this one, all in the same day. Gosh, I am doing lots of typing. Here goes: (closes eyes and jumps off a cliff, and the herd of dumb sheep behind follow suit)
As I said, so much and so little can change in a year. Let's start with what hasn't changed much. Well, duh, my house of course (all the surrounding street signs have also ditched the Zen-ish black and white for a dunno-what-ish green and white). Mostly, all the landmarks of my life haven't changed (or since I checked on Google Earth). It's mostly the people. Some people haven't changed much, like Mel and Sharon and Minghui etc. The list goes on. I don't know about my other friends though, will have to wait and see. :D I'm sure certain friends will turn up with weird hairstyles or some such thing.
Changes scare me. Its an instinctual thing. It's not that I can't adapt. It's just that, for that short period in your life, everything's different, and you're thrown off-balance both physically and mentally. I know my life now will never be short of changes, and I don't dread it. There is that vague sense of trepidation, but also that vague sense of calm. It also amazes me how its so difficult to convey certain feelings. I mean, what do you call the feeling when you feel slightly nostalgic, a little excited, maybe sad, but also quite happy, and yet there's a healthy does of fear and anxiety mixed with a calm assuredness. Any suggestions??? LOL. Maybe I'll go look it up in one of those thick Oxford dictionaries, perhaps in the year 2011.
Apart from this as well, a part of me WANTS myself to have changed in some way. Preferably in the "better" direction. Humans (yes, I hope only humans are reading this, no martians or KKK dudes) are characterised by change. We ARE change. And that's the only reason why we've come so far ahead of dolphins and gorillas and the occasional orang utan that can play chess. Change, for me, is like a double-edged sword, and yet, in the heat of battle, it rings true. :) Dunno if this makes sense, but I'm saying it anyway.
Take my dad, for instance. At the beginning of the year, he was always so boisterous, so confident. He thought he was capable of everything, and his shadow has always stood towering in front of me (not menacingly), like a monument to "anything is possible" and "reach for outer space, not just the skies". Lame jokes, computers and electronics and efficiency has always been (and I hope always will be) in his repertoire of talents. At the beginning of the year, I thought my dad was capable of anything and everything. He has this uncanny way of making things work out, always with God's help, of course. To put it simply: he seemed untouchable. I guess its always like this with most kids. We look up to our parents, and although we complain about their faults, somehow, deep down, there's always the instinct to come back to them for help, that they have, and always will, be better and more capable than us. Lol. (i'm saying "lol" in a contemplative sort of way, please don't get it wrong and start laughing hysterically)
When I came back, apparently he injured his chest and arm while in Vietnam. When I heard this, I couldn't help but think "Hey God, I prayed so hard for my family's safety in Vietnam, why???" But always when I ask why, I already know the answer. It's just in my character to ask why all the time (like why is the sky blue and why does Barbie have to be blonde and why can't whales communicate with dolphins and why can't there be a person who is extremely intelligent but who has Savant Syndrome at the same time). Anyway. That's beside the point. It's like, a year has transformed my dad. Now, thinking about this, I gloomily reflect that, yeah, we're all living and breathing, but we're also dying every day inside, a little by little. So even an infant a day older is decaying physically by that much. Shit. Remind me why we celebrate birthdays again? Isn't the "Birthday" a Western cultural imperialism thing invented by that money-gobbling conglomerate that is McDonalds'? Yeah, like they always say, knowledge is power but ignorance is bliss. How true.
My dad post-2006 is now more subdued, and more aware of his limitations. More aware of his vulnerability, I guess. Somehow, he's losing his grip on his confidence, and seeing someone as CONSTANT as my dad start slipping is more than a little disturbing for a girl who knows she's not gonna see her dad properly until after 5 years. I mean, when mum started getting sicker and sicker, the scales sort of tipped and I looked up to my dad more than ever before for both assurance and support. So when he insisted I go overseas, I went anyway, NAIVELY believing that he would never change, always be the same strong person. I hate it how sometimes we humans can get things so completely wrong. I thank God for God. At least I can be SO SURE that God will never change or forsake me. ;) I'll never make a mistake there.
So now he's changed, and I guess I'll have to change along with him. I worry about both mum and dad all the time. Like, ALL the time. They're never far from my thoughts. Hey, come to think of it, one of the most primary reasons why I was so reluctant to come back to Singapore was because I dreaded seeing how much my parents have aged. Its frightening, it is. At least if you see them every day you get to see the whole process and etc. But, the reason why "Click" the movie resonated so much with me is that, like Adam Sandler, I feel like I've fast-forwarded the "Singapore" part of my life, and I'm gonna do so for the next 5 years. This is more than a little upsetting.
Hmm. The only reason why I brought up this word "change" is my parents. LOL. So much for my reflections. On my part, I don't think I've changed much, still the same old me if a little more picky (like, now I INSIST on using gloves while doing the wash) I'd like to think I'm more daring and outgoing and confident and social, but hey, honestly Adlin, you epitomise all this. :) Love how you're so friendly to everyone all the time (yes, yes, this includes both calista and rach so don't you both go complaining arh, I'll like "slap your eyeballs").
Blah. This entry seems a bit too private. I just hope the people reading this will have the discretion to keep their mouths wide shut. I don't wanna have to take off entries like...ahem...some Trinity people I know. It's embarrassing when people bring up private stuff like this when they're talking to me. This entry is one of the few that will ever grace my blog actually touching on...well...dotz...you know. I just feel weirdly sentimental today. Gosh, I'm 17 and I STILL have mood swings???
...
What am I???
a) Seahorse
b) Chio
c) Tiramisu
d) Freeloader
e) All of the above
f) None of the above
g) (Fill in the blank)
h) La*me :)
...is what I said. Savvy?
11:40 pm
friends
June 2006